DEAL BREAKERS: The Seven Deadly Relationship Sins (part 3)

I don’t know anyone who consciously desires drama in their relationships. I certainly don’t. In fact, I avoid drama at all costs – but we’ll save that entry for another day when I’m feeling particularly revelatory. If you’d like to read up on what to avoid in relationships (of all types), and especially how to have greater success, here’s part 1 and part 2 from previous blog posts. All this relationship talk reminds me of a conversation I recently had w/ a friend. Our discussion left me reflecting upon the myriad of mini-wars people engage in without even knowing it. I’m a firm believer that behind every human face is a struggling human spirit. Everyone has a story. Sometimes the struggle is rooted in lack of enjoyment of a job or scarcity of finances. More often than not, it stems out of wounded relationships. My friend and I were discussing the variety of demands men and women alike place on the people in our lives, and how unrealistic some of them are.

3. Unrealistic expectations: Mining for diamonds with a spoon?

We quite often have an idea of what people in our lives should be like. I was socialised like most modern African children. My overindulgence of Disney movies and later, R&B slow jams, resulted in an exceedingly warped expectation of how relationships are supposed to play out. I’m not even kidding. In any event, we intentionally or unintentionally expect our friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, etc, to be flawless. We talk of “Prince Charming” or “Mr/Mrs Right”. Our closest friends labels have changed from “best friends” to “BFF” etc. We even might expect relationships to provide us with an unending source of happiness (or complete us somehow), for our partners or siblings to clean up after themselves (I know I’m totally guilty of this), to be considerate, to always make us a priority, you expect that you’re “meant to be” (which creates the false notion that relationships should be effortless all the time), to surprise us, to support us, to always have a smile, to work hard and not be lazy…I really could go on. You might not necessarily have the above-named expectations, but more often than not, they are there. And whenever our relational subjects don’t attain these pre-determined standards, we become disappointed, embittered and end up giving up too easily without giving ourselves or our partners/best friend a chance.  Nothing kills a relationship faster than having unrealistic expectations.

Having some expectations is fine…if they’re in the form of standards: refusing to put up w/ drug use or emotional abuse or expecting fidelity, for example. When you’re considering whether or not someone is right for you, it is vital to maintain your values, goals and lifestyle choices without (serious) compromise. However, sometimes, especially as relationships begin to mature, without realising it ourselves, we set unattainable expectations. Just like the issue w/ failing to forgive (see part 1), setting unrealistic expectations is also inextricably linked with a warped sense of perfection. Nothing in this world is perfect. Especially people and relationships. It is unreasonable to expect them to be cheerful and loving every minute of the day — everyone has their moods and daily challenges to overcome. We can’t expect them to always think of us, as they will obviously think of themselves or others sometimes too.  Even “soulmates” ultimately are 2 different people who are bound from time to time knock heads. No one is perfect.

High expectations always lead to disappointment and sheer frustration, especially if we do not communicate these expectations to our loved ones. The remedy is to lower your expectations — allow your partner (or whoever) to be himself/herself, and accept and love them for who they are, not who you want them to be. What I have personally found to be helpful is a little introspection. So you want your mom, best friend, partner to respond to your email or text within 2 minutes of receiving it (or whatever the expectation is). Ask yourself: am I the very thing that I expect my mom, best friend or partner to be? If your response is in the affirmative, communicate it to your loved one in a way in which they will receive it best. Making a shopping list of demands will just defeat the entire purpose and will be painful and annoying for everyone involved. However, if your answer is no, then drop it! Love, whatever variety, is not the solution to life’s problems. It takes a lot of work. Reminds me of a quote I once read, “Love is like mining for diamonds. It’s hard work but it’s always worth it.

Look out for part 4 and have a blessed Easter.