DEAL BREAKERS: The Seven Deadly Relationship Sins (part 5)

5. Don’t talk to me about lack of communication

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

This inexpressible illusion, this ominous denominator, this “sin” affects all the others on this list. An ancient adage holds true: effective communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. Arguably, then, the chief contributor to a relationship breakdown in most, if not all, relationships is the lack of proper communication. You are either yelling at each other, giving your loved one the cold, silent treatment, or my personal least favourite, being passive-aggressive. None of the above are effective in building trust, love and maintaining respect in a relationship. According to Sharon Rivkin, a California licensed family and marriage therapist, when communication breaks down, neither party feels heard, seen, acknowledged or loved. If you harbour resentment (part 1), you must talk it out rather than allowing the resentment to fester and grow. If you are jealous (part 2), it is essential to communicate your insecurities in an open, loving and non-confrontational manner. If you have expectations (part 3), you must communicate them at the earliest moment possible. If there are any problems whatsoever, e.g. when you feel your partner or friend is not making time for the relationship (part 4), it’s vital to let the (expectations) known and come up w/ a collaborative solution suitable to both of you. Lack of communication will undoubtedly lead to loneliness (isolation/disconnectedness), arguments (talking AT one another), end of trust, lack of intimacy and depression.

So, what does this elusive term mean? Communication doesn’t merely entail talking or arguing — good communication is honest without attacking or blaming. Nor does it mean calling your loved one 60 times a day. I think that is what is referred to, in modern parlance, as borderline “cling wrap effect” i.e. being needy. Communicate your feelings — being hurt, frustrated, sorry, scared, sad, happy — rather than criticising or waiting until reaching your melting point before voicing your concerns. Communicate a desire to work out a solution that works for you both, essentially a compromise, rather than a need for the other person to change or to fit whatever mould you have set for them. What I have learned from my darling sister over the years on this point is to respond thus when conflict arises, “…so, this [whatever the situation] is not working out for us, what can we do to make it better/move forward?” Communicate more than just problems — communicate the good things too…like your dreams, goals, an interesting article you read, something funny that happened to you during the day. I don’t know if you have ever had people in your life only make substantial communication when things go pear-shaped in their lives? How about those who only communicate when they need something? Or my personal least favourite, those who are so quick (or slow) to ask superficial questions about your life but are never willing to let you know what’s going on in theirs (EVER!).  Didn’t that make you feel taken advantage of? Or worse, like you were in that relationship all by yourself? No matter how one views it, it is a two-way street. The best way I can describe what communication is, without over complicating things, is: being on the same page…at all times. Your loved one knowing where you stand and how you are…or as I prefer phrasing it, how your heart is (and vice versa)…again, at all times.

Communication doesn’t only entail times of conflict, but it warrants mentioning, since it’s inevitable in any relationship. In order to maintain a strong relationship, parties need to resolve the conflict openly and fairly:

• Fight Fair – listen to each others’ frustrations without interruption. (Please read that sentence again before moving on). Active listening is an art. No one is taught how to listen without interruption. I have often found people to either be in an offensive or defensive mode. No one is at neutral – the way you’re supposed to be. There’s always a come-back line that can trigger more outbursts. It should come as no surprise then that some fights are never-ending. In any event, acknowledge any misgivings and seek to better your response in subsequent squabbles.

• Women (and some men) all over the world: PLEASE avoid dragging old resentments into the argument:“…remember that time in 1972, you did the exact thing and that’s why I don’t trust you…” It doesn’t help to resolve current issues at all, is terribly unbecoming and erodes on the trust you had previously built. As mentioned in part 1, learn to forgive and forget. If you have truly forgiven a loved one who wronged you in the past, you don’t hold it against them and neither do you bring it up every other time conflict arises between you. The only person hurt by harbouring a grudge is…you. True forgiveness enhances intimacy and drastically deepens communication.

• Respect your partner/friend/family member at all times. You know which button to push to trigger his/her reaction so be the first to avoid taking that route.

• What I have personally found to be of great, GREAT importance in enhancing communication is: (i) Never go to bed angry and (ii) Don’t talk/communicate when angry. Whatever you have to do to avoid saying things you’ll later regret, do it. FAST!!! Leave the room, go for a walk/run and calm down before saying anything to whoever you’ve had a conflict with. I find it helps drinking water when angry. Incidentally, my mom started this little trick when I was an infant and I still use it to this day. It works! Not only does it keep you from flapping your gums unnecessarily, but has an incredibly soothing effect on the mind.

The next time you find yourself loading up more ammunition for a fight, resolve instead to verbalise the hurt that you feel in the form of a question. For example, “That really hurts. Why did you say that?” or if for some reason you were unable to communicate it at the time, saying something along the lines of, “when you do/say (fill in the blank…), it hurts my feelings/makes me feel (fill in the blank…)” will go a long way to facilitate the maintenance of a healthy, loving relationship, rather than pretending nothing’s wrong, giving the silent treatment or screaming like a retarded fish wife w/ a political agenda.

Often, most people are better at making assertions than seeking clarification. But with the above statements, your loved one will be left searching for a proper response. Lastly, non-verbal cues, such as eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching your partner’s arm communicate much more than words.

DEAL BREAKERS: The Seven Deadly Relationship Sins (part 4)

4. Ain’t nobody gat time fo’ dat!

Have you ever found yourself wondering, “How on earth am I going to find time for this relationship?”

Yeah. Me too. You are soooo not alone on this one. We all have very busy lives, and relationships take time and effort. A lot of effort. And we get too stressed w/ life or simply become lazy [FACT!].

Between going to work, keeping fit, chores, family obligations, studying (and if you’re anything like me, the never ending whirlwind that occurs in the creative mind), it can be insanely difficult to spend some decent time with important people in your life. Something that I have come to realise after being immersed in relationship analysis over the years is that there appears to be two primary categories that infringe on paying attention to our relationships: how we choose to spend our TIME and how we spend our ENERGY. If you have clouded up either of these two areas, chances are, your relationship is taking a backseat, and probably suffering.

So, what can we do about it? Well, a lot of things, actually. Remember… this is all about CHOICE. How you CHOOSE to spend your time and your energy. So, saying things like, “I’m just too busy” or “I just don’t like going out/staying in” or “Skype/email/bbm/facebook just isn’t my thing…”  are all excuses. Yes, sue me, I said it. You are making a CHOICE not to engage w/ a friend or partner because it’s not suitable to you so you can focus your ENERGY on something else more suitable to you. Not cool and not good enough. Where and how you spend your time shows your priorities. If you’re always working late, your partner will get the message that work is more important. If you never want to go out/spend time w/ your friends, you communicate that they are no longer important in your life. My best friend of 16 years is a mother of 3. I always use her as inspiration for this particular point. I think raising 1 child takes a lot out of you. But she has taught me that nothing is an excuse in this regard (well, unless someone has a gun to your head or you’re incapable of using your mouth, hands or feet). Even w/ 3 kids, running a household, helping her husband out w/ a few things and sleepless nights, she still makes time to email, text, call…regularly and has visited me on a number of occasions…WITH HER KIDS!!! Life and some amazing people I have in my life have taught me that making a conscious effort in your relationships is an absolute must, or you may risk losing them. Sometimes even forever.

You might say that every successful relationship is successful in its own unique way; fair enough, but actually, research has shown that there are recurring patterns in successful relationships of all types, certain sets of behaviours that can help maintain a happy long-term partnership. Everyone’s situation is obviously unique and the demands of a relationship will undoubtedly vary depending on the nature of the relationship. One thing, however, stands; regardless of time, distance, life circumstances and the nature of the relationship: a relationship cannot be maintained, or even grow, if both parties do not in some way involve each other in their lives by spending quality time. It’s simply impossible. One thing to note, however, is that sharing your friends/family/partner w/ competing interests such as work is unavoidable. Being second on the list is sometimes inevitable. I assume we are all grown, after all, and don’t need to be breast fed or put me to bed.

So how does one make time for our relationship? It’s an immeasurably vast subject, but here are 7 key things that you can do to make your love last.

i.  Just do it: Make time for your relationship. Don’t assume that as long as you love each other everything’s going to be fine. All types of relationships take time…and effort…from BOTH parties. Neglect something else – work, sport, your social life – to spend time together just talking or doing something fun. If you live far from each other, you have Skype and email and various other interactive social media. I have a dear sister-friend I haven’t seen in almost 7 years. We’ve been very close friends since high school. Life circumstances and pursuit of studies have necessitated our living in different countries…different continents. We speak every single, solitary week. We “cook” together (Skype), listen to music or watch TV shows together and have kept each other company whilst we both studied for exams. Things that we would ordinarily do if we lived closer to each other. Where internet access was a problem, we always had email and phones. Nothing has ever been an excuse for not making time for each other.

Don’t just assume you’ve both still got the same aims and expectations, people change over time, but as long as you both involve each other by making time, your relationship will last.

ii. Examine your commitments: Is there anything you have been saying yes to that you really don’t want to do? Anything that is a “should” or a “have to”? Guess what? All those little obligations that you have committed to that really don’t light you up ARE GETTING IN THE WAY of giving time and energy to those you need to. So what can you say no to?

iii. Start saying “no”: See #2  It warrants repeating. Start saying no so you can start saying yes to hanging out with important people in your life. Setting boundaries will go miles in helping you save your relationship(s).

iv. Figure out where your stress if coming from: Your work? Your family? Obligations? Your schedule? Many times if individuals are really stressed out, not much room is left to cultivate and grow a relationship. Is there stress coming from an area that you could actually take steps to eliminate? Or delegate?  Even a mindset switch about what is deserving of your energy? Oftentimes, we don’t realise that so much of our stress is self-induced. Unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves. Things we make more important. What is it for you?

v. Carve out non-negotiable time for you: You can’t keep filling up everyone else’s pitcher if yours is empty. Decide RIGHT NOW what you need each day or week to honor YOU. Seriously. Could you have 15 minutes of meditation before you jump out of bed? Could you have one hour to read each week on a topic that fills you up? If you are thinking there is no way I can make the time, take an honest look at what you are making more important. Is it really more important than taking care of yourself? Probably not. It may be time for some re-arrangement of priorities. ‘Cause guess what? YOU need to be a priority. I can guarantee you, if you aren’t filled up, you probably aren’t being the best spouse/partner/friend you can be.

vi. Carve out non-negotiable time for the relationship: This is the step where you actually decide that taking care of your relationship is so important that you commit to spending a specific amount of time together each week. You don’t need a week away to Cabo (though that would be incredible – all that sun, sand, breeze, cocktails…I digress…). What you need is to have sacred time EVERY SINGLE week where your relationship IS a priority. Decide what you can commit to. I always advocate a date night, or Skype dates. Instead of going into the “can’t” go to the “can”. Could you have 15 minutes to discuss your dreams/your day/what you’re learning/what you’re thankful for together before you go to bed? Just share your life a bit. If weekly time feels like a stretch, start small. Shoot for 30 minutes a week. Carve it out. Seriously, if this seems like a chore, you may have bigger problems to sort out.

vii. Pick up the telephone: And I don’t mean texting! Pick up your cell and actually press his/her name. Listen to the phone as it rings and feel the anticipation to hear his/her voice. I’m all for texting because it is fast and easy, but please, for the sake of building intimacy and sharing quality time, speak those most important in your life!

Acclaimed clinical psychologist, Willard F. Harley, talks about the ‘promise of time’. He emphasizes this concept with couples about to enter into marriage, but it’s relevant for all relationship types, no matter how long you’ve known each other. It’s basically the promise of spending time together each week giving one another quality, undivided attention. The three parts of Dr Harley’s policy of undivided time comprise of: privacy (the absence of others or things that regularly keep you from making time interfere w/ affection and intimate conversation), objectives (trying to meet the emotional needs of affection, intimate conversation and recreational companionship) and amount (the number of hours spent together should reflect the quality of your relationship).

Even Dr. Harley admits that it’s difficult to motivate unhappy parties to spend time together; mostly because these are people that are no longer in love (or the connection has been lost), and the relationship doesn’t do anything for them as a result. That being said, he has found that if both parties are committed to the relationship, and subsequently put in the time to fulfill one another’s emotional needs for a while, they actually end up wanting to spend more time together as time goes by. They end up back in love or the connection is re-established.

If you missed previous posts in the “Deal Breaker” series, you can read them here: part 1, part 2 and part 3. Part 5 coming soon. Keep reading and I’ll keep posting.

xXx

Joie