DEAL BREAKERS: The Seven Deadly Relationship Sins (part 4)

4. Ain’t nobody gat time fo’ dat!

Have you ever found yourself wondering, “How on earth am I going to find time for this relationship?”

Yeah. Me too. You are soooo not alone on this one. We all have very busy lives, and relationships take time and effort. A lot of effort. And we get too stressed w/ life or simply become lazy [FACT!].

Between going to work, keeping fit, chores, family obligations, studying (and if you’re anything like me, the never ending whirlwind that occurs in the creative mind), it can be insanely difficult to spend some decent time with important people in your life. Something that I have come to realise after being immersed in relationship analysis over the years is that there appears to be two primary categories that infringe on paying attention to our relationships: how we choose to spend our TIME and how we spend our ENERGY. If you have clouded up either of these two areas, chances are, your relationship is taking a backseat, and probably suffering.

So, what can we do about it? Well, a lot of things, actually. Remember… this is all about CHOICE. How you CHOOSE to spend your time and your energy. So, saying things like, “I’m just too busy” or “I just don’t like going out/staying in” or “Skype/email/bbm/facebook just isn’t my thing…”  are all excuses. Yes, sue me, I said it. You are making a CHOICE not to engage w/ a friend or partner because it’s not suitable to you so you can focus your ENERGY on something else more suitable to you. Not cool and not good enough. Where and how you spend your time shows your priorities. If you’re always working late, your partner will get the message that work is more important. If you never want to go out/spend time w/ your friends, you communicate that they are no longer important in your life. My best friend of 16 years is a mother of 3. I always use her as inspiration for this particular point. I think raising 1 child takes a lot out of you. But she has taught me that nothing is an excuse in this regard (well, unless someone has a gun to your head or you’re incapable of using your mouth, hands or feet). Even w/ 3 kids, running a household, helping her husband out w/ a few things and sleepless nights, she still makes time to email, text, call…regularly and has visited me on a number of occasions…WITH HER KIDS!!! Life and some amazing people I have in my life have taught me that making a conscious effort in your relationships is an absolute must, or you may risk losing them. Sometimes even forever.

You might say that every successful relationship is successful in its own unique way; fair enough, but actually, research has shown that there are recurring patterns in successful relationships of all types, certain sets of behaviours that can help maintain a happy long-term partnership. Everyone’s situation is obviously unique and the demands of a relationship will undoubtedly vary depending on the nature of the relationship. One thing, however, stands; regardless of time, distance, life circumstances and the nature of the relationship: a relationship cannot be maintained, or even grow, if both parties do not in some way involve each other in their lives by spending quality time. It’s simply impossible. One thing to note, however, is that sharing your friends/family/partner w/ competing interests such as work is unavoidable. Being second on the list is sometimes inevitable. I assume we are all grown, after all, and don’t need to be breast fed or put me to bed.

So how does one make time for our relationship? It’s an immeasurably vast subject, but here are 7 key things that you can do to make your love last.

i.  Just do it: Make time for your relationship. Don’t assume that as long as you love each other everything’s going to be fine. All types of relationships take time…and effort…from BOTH parties. Neglect something else – work, sport, your social life – to spend time together just talking or doing something fun. If you live far from each other, you have Skype and email and various other interactive social media. I have a dear sister-friend I haven’t seen in almost 7 years. We’ve been very close friends since high school. Life circumstances and pursuit of studies have necessitated our living in different countries…different continents. We speak every single, solitary week. We “cook” together (Skype), listen to music or watch TV shows together and have kept each other company whilst we both studied for exams. Things that we would ordinarily do if we lived closer to each other. Where internet access was a problem, we always had email and phones. Nothing has ever been an excuse for not making time for each other.

Don’t just assume you’ve both still got the same aims and expectations, people change over time, but as long as you both involve each other by making time, your relationship will last.

ii. Examine your commitments: Is there anything you have been saying yes to that you really don’t want to do? Anything that is a “should” or a “have to”? Guess what? All those little obligations that you have committed to that really don’t light you up ARE GETTING IN THE WAY of giving time and energy to those you need to. So what can you say no to?

iii. Start saying “no”: See #2  It warrants repeating. Start saying no so you can start saying yes to hanging out with important people in your life. Setting boundaries will go miles in helping you save your relationship(s).

iv. Figure out where your stress if coming from: Your work? Your family? Obligations? Your schedule? Many times if individuals are really stressed out, not much room is left to cultivate and grow a relationship. Is there stress coming from an area that you could actually take steps to eliminate? Or delegate?  Even a mindset switch about what is deserving of your energy? Oftentimes, we don’t realise that so much of our stress is self-induced. Unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves. Things we make more important. What is it for you?

v. Carve out non-negotiable time for you: You can’t keep filling up everyone else’s pitcher if yours is empty. Decide RIGHT NOW what you need each day or week to honor YOU. Seriously. Could you have 15 minutes of meditation before you jump out of bed? Could you have one hour to read each week on a topic that fills you up? If you are thinking there is no way I can make the time, take an honest look at what you are making more important. Is it really more important than taking care of yourself? Probably not. It may be time for some re-arrangement of priorities. ‘Cause guess what? YOU need to be a priority. I can guarantee you, if you aren’t filled up, you probably aren’t being the best spouse/partner/friend you can be.

vi. Carve out non-negotiable time for the relationship: This is the step where you actually decide that taking care of your relationship is so important that you commit to spending a specific amount of time together each week. You don’t need a week away to Cabo (though that would be incredible – all that sun, sand, breeze, cocktails…I digress…). What you need is to have sacred time EVERY SINGLE week where your relationship IS a priority. Decide what you can commit to. I always advocate a date night, or Skype dates. Instead of going into the “can’t” go to the “can”. Could you have 15 minutes to discuss your dreams/your day/what you’re learning/what you’re thankful for together before you go to bed? Just share your life a bit. If weekly time feels like a stretch, start small. Shoot for 30 minutes a week. Carve it out. Seriously, if this seems like a chore, you may have bigger problems to sort out.

vii. Pick up the telephone: And I don’t mean texting! Pick up your cell and actually press his/her name. Listen to the phone as it rings and feel the anticipation to hear his/her voice. I’m all for texting because it is fast and easy, but please, for the sake of building intimacy and sharing quality time, speak those most important in your life!

Acclaimed clinical psychologist, Willard F. Harley, talks about the ‘promise of time’. He emphasizes this concept with couples about to enter into marriage, but it’s relevant for all relationship types, no matter how long you’ve known each other. It’s basically the promise of spending time together each week giving one another quality, undivided attention. The three parts of Dr Harley’s policy of undivided time comprise of: privacy (the absence of others or things that regularly keep you from making time interfere w/ affection and intimate conversation), objectives (trying to meet the emotional needs of affection, intimate conversation and recreational companionship) and amount (the number of hours spent together should reflect the quality of your relationship).

Even Dr. Harley admits that it’s difficult to motivate unhappy parties to spend time together; mostly because these are people that are no longer in love (or the connection has been lost), and the relationship doesn’t do anything for them as a result. That being said, he has found that if both parties are committed to the relationship, and subsequently put in the time to fulfill one another’s emotional needs for a while, they actually end up wanting to spend more time together as time goes by. They end up back in love or the connection is re-established.

If you missed previous posts in the “Deal Breaker” series, you can read them here: part 1, part 2 and part 3. Part 5 coming soon. Keep reading and I’ll keep posting.

xXx

Joie